Letter to myself

My heart silently trembles from anticipation for the short moment I can stop time to live in the moment with you. It feels like it's been quite some time since we sat, closed our physical eyes from the distractions of life, and allowed our soul to take the lead. 

So they say // Rawness

They say the two most important times of your life is:
1. When you are born
2. When you figure out why you were born

Hm. Gonna add to that. Living out the "why" part should be included as the top three most important times of your life.

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In other news. I am approaching 30. This one word, two syllables, this number...has got my mind racing in knotted circles. I know, yes, it is whatever we want it to be. It is just a word. A number. A label. But I can't help it from prompting thoughts of my own humanity. My past, my future and their crossroad, the present. It's become a rabbit-hole of thoughts - a journey into my own heart and psyche.

Are you ready to jump in with me? Let's go.
30 makes me think of what I've done so far, the choices I've made and who I've become, which then leads me to thoughts on my accomplishments, and then I wonder how one measures the success of these accomplishments - is it measured by how much of a positive impact I've made in people's lives around me? And how am I to know that? Send out a survey? Lol. Who sends out a survey? Why do I need to measure anyway? If I'm happy and the people around me are happy now, isn't that all that matters? Where do I want to go from here? What does the better version of myself look like, think like? When did my thoughts all become questions? What are my answers?

Okay, I'm exhausted. And I haven't even scratched the surface. Welcome to a glimpse into what usually goes straight from brain to pen (journals). I normally like to sort out my thoughts a bit more before I bring it here. Eh, here's to rawness!

Here's to 30. 30! I'm so ready for you. I will freakin' rock 30. Until then, you're pretty awesome, 29.

Happy Face & Valentine's Day

So I've been using this new app called Sleep Cycle and every morning, along with its beautiful tunes, it asks me what mood I am in. I have three choices: A sad face, an indifferent face and a happy face. I used to press the button that correlated to how I felt waking up. But then I realized that these buttons were choices. Choices. That I had authority over. My mood can be an active decision that I make. 

So every day from that point on, I click the happy face. 

morning juice + yoga

And whoa, what a difference that little choice makes.

___

In other YFT news: 

I've been going through my journals, and though I haven't fully formulated my thoughts on how I feel about it yet, I can say it's not time wasted. For now, let's just say it's entertaining. 

Turns out my 1996-self got more chocolates on Valentine's than I have in the past 5+ Valentine's days. *jealous* And look, it says Feb 13. It wasn't even Valentine's Day yet. Hey, I get it. Some people reach their peak earlier than others.

Sorry, Jenna, cat's out of the bag

Journals are my friends

I recently watched "The Fault in Our Stars," and it hurt watching it. It was one of those complex, good hurts though - the type that makes you feel a deep sense of gratitude towards the life that you have along with the privilege of time, of being able to make mistakes and grow from them, and so forth. 

It also made me think of my own humanity. My thoughts drifted towards my eulogy, and that I wouldn't want a flowery one. I'd want a honest eulogy from my very own Speaker for the Dead a la Enders Game. Yeah, if you haven't read it yet, go read it. And then let's high five to celebrate the awesomeness of the book and the shared experience we now have of partaking in the same story. I will give you one of those fake-out high fives though if you've only watched the movie.

Going back to the point of this post...
I guess, in a way, I see my journals as my eulogy, my Speaker of the Dead. They contain my life, my pains, triumphs, my moments of confusion and enlightenment. And I think I'd like to mix it up a bit and start sharing what's in my journals - on here, on this blog. Is that weird? I dunno. I think so. But weird can be good. Yeah, let's do it. As part of my journey to being more vulnerable to life, because so far, it's worked out pretty well.

So with that,

Hi! I'd like to introduce to you to my dear companions. I guess you can say that they are more than companions. They are a raw extension of me and the most direct account of my existence (it is directly coming from me afterall) for the past 19 years.

journals I've amassed since 1995.

I'll go through them and start sharing bits and pieces. The ones between elementary and high school are hilarious. They even include some insightful commentary specially written by my then-nosey older brother.

Here's to honesty, vulnerability and self-discovery. And to making most of what we have.

Giving

The act of giving. 

Something happened in my life recently where I revisited what it meant to give. 

Does it mean an act of service? Time? Skill? Which is better than the other? What matters more? The heart behind it or the effectiveness? Is it a case by case basis? Is giving to your family or friend any less meaningful than let's say, giving to a stranger in a lower income neighborhood? Is a person who donates a million dollars to a charity in Africa a more generous person than a person who spends their free time at a children's hospital connecting with a handful kids? 

Tonight, in a conversation among loving friends of many shared experiences and bridges, we spoke of the the different levels of involvement (ranging from misguided slacktivism to involvement that produces hard results) in the Asian American community. The conversation was heading towards the direction of being jaded by and criticizing those who aren't doing anything or those who think they are doing something but aren't. BUT. One of the friends at the table pointed out something that struck me ever so awesomely. It was heart-blowing. Like mind-blowing but it happened in my heart. He brought up privilege - that some of us are blessed to have the knowledge, support and guidance to be able to be involved more deeply than others and give more than others - and that we need to be more patient and understanding.

Being involved in the community or the act of giving is a very subjective thing, like all other things in life. I always like to take it back to nature (nature provides a lot of my life lessons). The sun, rain, soil are such different elements, but they all play a role in giving to a tree. Even the bird that pooped out the seed that eventually became that tree played a role. And neither is better or worse than the other. And as such, we all give in different ways at different times. But we each play a role. And instead of comparing roles, we can acknowledge, understand, learn to work with and celebrate them. 

That's not to say we shouldn't strive to improve ourselves and the way in which we give. We should, but in the ways we are each best at. :)


Love,
Yulree

Decade!

As I was talking to a familiar acquaintance a couple days ago about where I lived (Pasadena, btw) I realized this year marks my 10th year in Los Angeles.

It's been a crazy ride, I must say. I first hated LA, then loved it, then I got claustrophobic when it felt too small, then it felt like I could do anything here, then I loved it again. The city is chock-full of opportunities for adventure and learning.

I think that calls for a celebration! 10 years! That's hardcore commitment yo, coming from someone who went to three different high schools in three different countries. 

Writing

My first journal, Christmas present from my parents, in 1995:

I am no writer, but I write all the time.
It comes from a place far beyond where my fleeting hobbies and musings reside. Beyond the valley of likings and the sea of duties lay my life-long bond with writing.
I write because I have to. Writing is breathing.

I write to dream, to dissect, build and search.

It helps me figure out why the world looks the way it does. Why it smells the way it does. Why it moves and reflects light and casts shadows the way it does. 

And most of the time, it helps me align my heart with my brain.
It's a way of life for me, and I'm glad I chose the pen.

---

the post that prompted this post. 

Travel Essentials

My essentials for cold weather travel. 

Below is what I carried around in my purse every day in Korea back in November/early December. 

(clockwise)

1. Xylitol, the most popular gum in Korea. Tastes yummy.

2. Colgate wisps, the best thing to happen for our teeth since dental floss. Really useful for invisalign wearers, garlic eaters, campers and burners. :)

3. Leather wallet from Korea with a matching lanyard. Fantastic for purse haters and/or concert lovers.

4. Metro card that works on the subway, buses and even most taxis.

5. Hand lotion. Saves me during the cold, harsh weather. 

6. Scheduler/notebook + pencil for writing down plans, dreams, memories and silly thoughts.

7. Hand sanitizer. 

8. Hair velcro thing to keep hair out of your face (used when washing face or applying lotion).

 9. I love tea. I especially love having in airplanes/airports. All you need is hot water. 

10. Passport case + peach lip balm. Best smelling lip balm ever, although not very moisturizing.
11. Suede gloves I got during my first NY winter trip years ago. I hope they last me several more cold weather trips.

**not pictured: scarf. I ALWAYS carry a scarf, even in hot weather (just lighter ones) because you never know when you need a: makeshift bag, makeshift shawl, makeshift skirt, something to sit on, something to keep you warm, something to cover you from the sun, magic**


What I carry in my pockets if I don't feel like carrying a purse.

Reality Check

From my 2010 journal...

Realty is. That life is wonderful. That it is full of possibilities and it is full of Yeses. That there is enough love for everyone. That if you can’t find love around you, you can always create love from scratch, from inside of you. Same goes from compassion and faith. Reality is that fresh-baked cookies taste damn good. And being embraced while eating a fresh-baked cookie is even better. Yeah, that’s reality. And it’s undeniable.

YFT in Korea

Dear Santa,

I would like Adobe Photoshop, please.

Much love,
Yulree

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In other news....

I'm in Korea!

In Yong-In, to be exact. My aunt and uncle moved here from Seoul a little over a year ago. 3 days into my trip here, I prefer their old Seoul apartment much much more. I can see why they moved here though. It's like their version of Orange County (blech). There are more people in cars than on the streets, and the keeping-up-with-the-Joneses phenomenon is alive and well. My aunt wants to get a Harley (yes, a Korean ahjumah in her late 40s/early 50s wants a Harley) because all the neighbors are getting one.

Look at them gorgeous colors on those trees.

The plus side to surburbia, though, is that my aunt and uncle have a backyard. A beautiful one at that. Backyards are a rare treat in Korea as land is insanely scarce. It's quite swanky. With a koi pond and everything. It's great for my yoga practice. Woo!

How do you like my purdy ahjumah backyard slippers? I'm also sporting my yoga pants.  So cool.

This is the view from my room...does not feel like Korea. I'm learning I don't like surburbia even in other countries.

I must say, I was not expecting so much serenity here in Korea. I'm sorta itching for some of that Seoul shoulder-to-shoulder bustle. Soon!

Even more cookies

This blog has lately been all about cookies. Deal with it. ;)
Now how adorable is this bathroom set from My Paper Crane??

It's Cookie Time!

Hm, I figured instead of having my never published Millions of Morsels posts go to waste, I'll integrate it into this blog. Genius. Why didn't I think of that earlier? Aren't you guys excited to hear about cookies??? I AM I AM!

Written 4 million years ago....

Cookie Monster of the Month // Angry Asian Man

The real reason I went to Angry Asian Man’s 10th Anniversary Party. Just kidding....or am I?

I’ve always been a big fan of angry asian man -- the blog and the man behind the blog. Why? He’s a college sunbae (loosely translated to predecessor), he provides fantastic content and he’s just an overall great, down-to-earth guy.

I became a mega-fan though when he celebrated his blog’s 10th Anniversary with COOKIES (made by TST). Dude, how much better can he get, right? We should all celebrate with cookies. Every day.

Finding out that he was a cookie fan, I had to ask him about his life as a cookie monster.

What's your earliest cookie memory?

Nabisco Nilla Wafers. With milk.  I remember munching on those things like crazy.  I'd stack them up and eat 'em one by one.  Haven't had any in while though.  But the sight of the box, and the mere smell of the vanilla always evoke a rush of childhood memories.

The best cookie you've ever eaten?

Ever? Crap, that's hard.  Okay, this doesn't even count, because it's not technically a cookie, but it's friggin' amazing.  In Korea, there's a street vendor in Insadong that sells hodduk -- a fried batter thing filled with a sugar, honey, nuts and other sweetness from Jesus.  Again, totally not a cookie, but easily one of the most delicious things I've ever eaten. Period.  I have dreams about that damn hodduk.

What's your main ingredient(s) to leading a successful life?

Simply put, do what you love. Figure out what you want to give a damn about, and then give a damn.  Everything else will fall into place.

----

Okay, back to present time. Big belated thanks to Phil for the interview! Don't worry, I did thank him via email and in person 3.75 million years ago.
He interviewed me, too, last year. ;)

Vulnerability, Failures & Liberation

Kinda in relation to my previous post...

This past year, I've been experimenting with vulnerability. I've always had an arms wide open mentality towards trying new things, and I continually push myself into new situations where I'm uncomfortable (like that time I spontaneously went to Santa Barbara and learned how to swage and put up festival structures with randos for a festival I didn't attend).

I swaged the heck out of this mother effer

It's weird, uncomfortable situations comfort me. It makes me feel alive [arms waving in the air]!!! However, coincidingly (is that a word?), I've always had a phobia towards showing or expressing my vulnerability. I used to feel ashamed, embarrassed and less of a person whenever people caught me at my times of weakness.

In other words, I am rad at being vulnerable to experiences but bad at being vulnerable to people.
And what I'll confess next will show you just how inexperienced I am in with the latter -- I learned, this year, that being vulnerable to others: 1) deepens relationships, 2) for some reason, allows them to trust you more, 3) is really liberating. Mind blown. Did you guys know this?? How come you never told me? Thanks, guys. Thanks. It's good to finally join this secret vulnerability club. I could've been forever alone, y'know, if I never found out about this club.

Joining the meme club late, too, as usual.

It's been amazing, I tell ya. I am really enjoying, loving and appreciating the solid friendships more than ever this year. And I feel more free than I ever have in my life!

Anyway, since we're on the theme of vulnerability today -- just gonna keep exposing myself for the heck of it. Maybe you'll feel better about yourself standing next to me and my failures. :D Maybe you'll feel inspired to open up. Maybe you won't. *whisper* freeeeeeee yourself.


Here's one FAIL that I used to be ashamed of. But you know what? It's gotten me closer to understanding what I'm good at and what I want to be doing:

My attempt at designing and developing my own blog.

Did you guys know I had a cookie blog at one point in my life? I even interviewed my friend Andrew, Phil (his never got posted) and my blog crush, Lynn Chen (hers never got posted either), and had goals to eventually interview Anthony Bourdain. I had huge dreams to open up a cookie bakery once my cookie blog took off. Neither happened. Because I didn't keep it up. Because I realized, the hard way, that although I LOVE cookies, this just wasn't my path. Let's not call this a failure, but a learning experience. :P

Next time, I'll tell you guys about the time I tried to start a catering company with my friend.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Sometimes,
You
just
can't
do
everything.

I often forget how liberating it is to admit and accept my limitations.

----

P.S. the plus side of having unusually hot days is having really lovely nights. 

Duh

It's 3:30 p.m. and all I've eaten today is peanut butter. I bought the jar a week ago...and I've already hit the bottom of it. Told you I like peanut butter.

I am a mess. Despite what my friends and loved ones think, I am a mess. With 7 seasons of Grey's Anatomy under my belt, I think I'm quite qualified to diagnose myself, thank you.

I get my work done. I hang out with friends. I watch sunsets, do yoga, go on long drives and am inspired by beautiful things. I am a fully functioning adult. But on the inside, just right in between my central core and my outer layers, I am in a FUNK. And I have been for quite some time now.

The hardest part is, I'm not sure what more I can do. Sure, I can stop devouring peanut butter like it's my dream job. But does that solve anything? Nuh-uh. I may not know much, but one thing I do know how to do is  solve problems. I know that in order to solve a problem, one must first identify the ROOT of the problem.

I have definitely mastered that step. I've identified AND defined the root (in my personal journals) almost to the point of oblivion. I've defined it through diagrams and images, through obscure poems and short stories. And no, I'm not going to tell you what it is.

The thing is, the root of the problem - the nature of it is something that cannot be solved by me. It cannot be solved by me or my actions. In this case, it really just takes time and patience.

Annnnnd, there it is. Patience. Something that I lack, something I have low quantities of. Patience. Lack of patience is making me a mess.

I get it now. Life (God, the Universe, the Force or what have you) is funny. And clever! Life really gives you whatever you truly need. Impatience is one of, if not the biggest, vices I have. I lack so much patience....that life gave me a problem that can only be solved by an abundance of it.

Haha, I get it. Thank you, life.


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In other news: I blushed when I read this. The funny thing is, I admire this woman like mad. And here she is, saying positive things about me? I don't know what to say except thank you. I'm so glad you enjoy my food. You are an inspiration to meeeee. 

Likes

Someone recently asked me what I like and don't like. Don't think I've been asked that question since elementary school. Well, here's what I wrote in my journal so far. I'll post some dislikes later.


I like making eye contact, smiling through my eyes and seeing the other person smile back through theirs.

I like peanut butter. Too much.

I like riding my bike short distances, to the grocery store, library and get-togethers nearby.

I like dancing with my eyes closed. It helps me listen to the music better.

I like the smell of honey and gardenias. Separately. Though I think they'd smell quite lovely together, too.

I like how my heart feels after I write, do yoga, pray, speak with a dear friend or make a new connection.

I like falling asleep. 

I like writing lists. And writing, in general, to sort things out and figure out the world/myself.

I like knowing that I'll be thankful for life, no matter what.

I like bringing people together.

Somebody & Sunset

It's funny...or tragic (I can't decide) how a person who you come to know so well and vice versa, a person who is your person and you are theirs, can become just another somebody.

It's probably best that I do not dwell on that.

---

In other news, I saw a magnificent sunset on my drive to SF two weeks ago.
It was a beautiful gift that lasted a breathtaking thirty minutes. What made it even better was the perfect and random song selection from my iTunes that accompanied the view. A magically curated sunset mini mixtape, is what I'd call it.

A MAGICALLY CURATED SUNSET MINI MIXTAPE

It's been a while, hasn't it?

What's changed in YFT world since the last time I posted?

1) I started eating meat again. Only when I'm out with friends, really. I have mixed feeling about it. Kogi's Roy Choi put it best, "Animals be talking to me."

2) I can tie my hair. Whaaaat? It's long enough to tie. Partially. :D And it's starting to look like a mullet. Sexy time. Oh, and when I posted this, it was as though I sent out a Call to Action and Asian pro pros throughout LA read it and said, "Challenge accepted," b/c I immediately received PMs and comments with replies like, "I'm not like the other Asian guys. I love your short hair," "I noticed you in the crowd b/c you're more unique," and "Enjoyed your post. Just to let you know, I love girls who can pull off short hair. And I'm Korean." I'm not going to date you just to help you prove a point.

3) I experienced the world of Burning Man. Let's just say, it was pretty radical, extremely mind-opening and insanely beautiful. It's become a place I could call home and I can't wait to go back next year. I'm very lucky I got to go!

4) Travel-wise, I'll be heading up to SF again later this month, will be in Korea (and perhaps a few days in Thailand) all of November and finally experiencing Colorado in December. Can't wait to see my relatives in Korea! And I'm thinking about trying out snowboarding for the first time while I'm out in CO...I should, right? Not looking forward to the cold part. ><

5) I'll be starting up Yulree Fundraising Time again soon! Hee. I have something brewing...and I can't wait to share it with you! Like last time, it has something to do with yoga. ;)

XOXO
Yulree

Diary of a Shaved-Headed Woman Part II

It's been 5 months since I shaved my head.

What's changed? I have a new job, new place and am newly single. All because of my hair.
Just kidding.

Shaving my head was an awesome decision that I haven't regretted, even during my awkward phases and bad hair days. There are days, yes, when I miss feeling uber feminine and miss the extra male attention I used to get. But those days are so few compared to the ones where I feel fantastic, liberated and just feel normal, like myself.

Going back to the male attention part...that's the part that's changed the most, really. I feel like I'm the subject of my own social experiment. I'll break it down for you.

Pre-shaved head
90% of guys who approached me were Asian professionals.

Post-shaved head
90% of guys who approach me are white hipsters/burners/creatives. Since I shaved my head, ZERO Asian professionals have approached me. Yeah, you Asian pro pros, I'm too edgy for you now. Hahaha (yeah, I'm totally having fun with it).

Anyway, here are some photos of my hair transformation all within in the past 5 months:

The day I shaved it. 

Major awkward phase. Couldn't do anything with it. I felt like an awkward hedgehog going through puberty.

Current length

P.S. My mom didn't freak. She says I have a great head shape. I guess that's a good thing.

P.P.S. Folks have been asking me if I'm going to keep it short. Nah, my intention was to experience and have fun with every phase as it grows back to long, luscious hair that I oh-so love.

P.P.P.S. I'm really looking forward to this length! LOVE this style. I think I'll be there in about another month or two:

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!!!!!

via A View From a Palm Tree

I was walking through the produce section earlier today and what does my little nose smell??? PEACHESSSSSS!!! GAH! IT'S SO FURRYYYY!!!! SO JUICY!!!!

It's almost peach season!!! And you know what that means! It means it's time to get out them tents, grills and swimsuits. :D

I go nuts around this time of year b/c of  the extra sunlight + summer fruits + camping + BBQs + lazy beach time.

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Song of the day:  
Summertime - Ella Fitzgerald (I love this woman)